:: the words you need to hear ::

Tonight, I craved writing. I’m currently going through an online program through the University of West Florida and I’m ahead of schedule. I’m trying to cruise through the coursework so that when schools are in session and I’m matched with a mentor for my field experience, I can focus solely on that. Also, I’m chasing after my 9 month old crawler and helping pack my mom’s house that she’s been in for 37 years. Talk about busy.

But, in the midst of it all, after I’ve gotten A down for the 100th time because she’s missing snuggles and I have some time to myself, I can’t help but get sucked into my own thoughts. Tonight I ran across something that said to ‘tell yourself the words you need to hear.’ I need to hear that everything is going to be okay, and that I’m enough. More than enough.

I live day to day in a pretty positive life. I’m a ‘doer’ (Mark Wahlberg in Pain and Gain comes to mind), by which I mean that when life falls apart, I’m already onto the next step figuring out how I’m going to navigate my new challenge. This is good, usually. The part I struggle with is allowing myself time to process how I’m feeling, deal with whatever loss or tragedy I just experienced, and instead just focus ahead and leave the yucky stuff to get more yucky. Then, it creeps up on me when my mind is idle and doubts start playing like a record in my head. Tonight is one of those nights.

I still very much believe in love. I know it exists because I see it, and I’ve felt it. I’m watching probably the most sappy movie ever (P.S. I Love You, thank you Gerard Butler, I hope you’re truly like your character in real life) and it literally makes me ugly cry anytime I watch it. Sure, it’s a movie, but for whatever reason sappy movies just put me in a mood. I want to be that person to someone, and I want to have that person be mine as well. I joke a lot that I wasn’t meant to be a wife because I’ve been such a disappointment, or that I know exactly all the wrong things to do. But to be honest, I truly feel that way sometimes. Tonight, I feel inadequate. I feel like I’ve failed whatever vision I had for my life. I have a bad habit of comparing my story to others’ – how can so many people have successful happy marriages, and this is the hand I was dealt? Surely it’s because I’ve messed it up, it’s my fault, I did everything wrong, and I’ve deserved what I’ve gotten.

Are these things true? Probably not…but when you’re trying to give yourself a pep talk at 9 pm on a Wednesday during a super stressful time, logic isn’t the strong suit. Maybe if I continue to write what I need to hear, I will believe it.

Everything is going to be okay, and YOU ARE enough. More than enough.

Everything is going to be okay, and YOU ARE enough. More than enough.

Everything is going to be okay, and YOU ARE enough. More than enough.

I know that one thing is for sure. Nobody will ever be harder on me than myself. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’ve been through some rocky roads, some I never thought I would find myself on the other side of alive. But here I am, doing the damn thing. Too legit. I have to do this for myself, and my mini. I don’t have the power to ruin God’s plan, after all. This is all a part of my story.

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