Are there tragedies, events, and hurt that you never truly ‘heal’ from? I’ve had my fare share of all the above and I can say that there are some things that I don’t think I’ll really ever understand or accept. I think that’s a given when you have lost someone special to you, in an unexpected way especially, but just as though you have scars on your body from physical wounds, sometimes the damage is deeper than that even if you can’t see it from the outside and it looks ‘healed’.
You get to a stage where you don’t really even know what to believe anymore. I’m a self-proclaimed gullible person, and at times I’m way too trusting – but after the last year, how do you even know what’s real? You want to believe that the things that have made you happy in the past, the people you’ve trusted, and the events that have shaped who you are were real, but what if it wasn’t? When there was a person who was supposed to love and accept you no matter what, who would tell you that you were stuck with them forever and you literally couldn’t even fathom living your life any other way is gone (I can’t say I was ever perfect, because I was far from it, and I’m sure at times I took this information for granted thinking it was my forever) – and now they’re gone. Not even just gone, but you feel as though they were never even the person you believed them to be in the first place. Where does that leave your mind moving forward?
I can’t say that I truly even know where this rambling post is going, but it’s been heavily on my mind each passing day that I find out new information and reflect. New information that I can’t even figure out why I care about it. I guess, because I am such a trusting person, it sucks that it can be taken advantage of the way that it has. Again, not saying I’m perfect at all, but I do try to learn and become a better person when I know I’ve messed up and made mistakes. I’m learning, too, that not everyone is like that. They’ll lie through their teeth until you dig for the truth and confront them, and even then, continue. I’m done with the toxicity.
From now on, I’m going to roll with the punches, focus on the good, raise my little girl to be strong, brave, loving, and kind. I refuse to let her be one of the bad apples.