the plans you have…

I feel like it’s ultra common to grow up with this ‘vision’ of how you want life to look like, the things you want to do, the martial status you plan to have and keep, children you dream of, places you want to see, etc etc. I know for sure that I did. I’ve been there and done that 3 separate times just in my 20s. The thing is though, that the plans you have and the way life happens rarely ever align; sometimes this can be devastating, sometimes it brings you joy that you never knew existed. Starting over is hard, it’s scary, and sometimes you just want to crawl away and hide and hope that life will sort itself out for you. It won’t. I’ve tried.

I’m not really one to hang out all my laundry for other to snoop through, because it really isn’t anyone else’s business. I wanted to create a space for me to clear my mind, but I was dragging my feet. Why? Because I feel like I’ve created a mess out of my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and even though I know that oven is hot and I’ll get burned, I put both palms face down on it anyway. It’s a hard pill to swallow when the life you thought you wanted falls through – not once – but twice. And now, starting over, I have a baby girl that I need to be the best role model possible for. I hope she has my brave, free spirited heart, but I would never wish the hurt I’ve endured to ever get near her. I wanted to quit. I felt like a failure, like there’s something inherently wrong with me. All of that being said, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt this way or the only one in this kind of situation.

I never wanted to be a single mom – hell, I don’t think most do, actually. It’s like a cycle that has repeated itself from my childhood and it’s hard on everyone. But at the end of the day, you have to do what’s best in the long run. Now that time has passed and I’ve had time to myself, it’s time to move forward. I’m terrified if I’m being brutally honest. My precious, innocent daughter didn’t ask to be born into the situation that she was, or endure some of the emotional trauma that she started out her life with. So, I’ve vowed to give her the best version of me. Every single day might not be good, but there is something good in every day! Even if it’s just the smile she gives me when she first wakes up in the morning, or the raspberries she blows into my belly when she should be going to sleep for the night. She is the daughter that I never knew I needed, and has been the true reason I haven’t given up and completely fallen apart this last year. I’m absolutely grateful for her.

Where to now? I’ve been a stay at home mom with my little girl her whole life, and it’s going to be a huge adjustment going back to school and work – for us both. I know she feels my stress and worries, but I know in my heart we are right where we are meant to be and everything will work out just perfect as I put in the work for it. Moving cross country twice in 3 years is no joke. Living out of boxes and bags and just wanting somewhere that feels like home is difficult – but we are working on that! 🙂 At the end of the day, I know that we both deserve happiness, and we will get where we want to be.

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